Sleepless
Israel Simmons

I’m tired.
 
It’s a different
kind of tired
maybe a sleepless
or a life kind
of tired
 
maybe a
“I don’t want to
be here anymore.”
kind of tired.
 
Maybe a numb
kind of tired
but overall,
I’m tired of
being tired.
 
I’m not sure
what kind of
tired my tired
Is,
But it’s been
here for months
like a grass stain,
on freshly bleached
white
it won’t leave
 
leave me alone, dammit.
 
Maybe it’s depression;
Everything in my mind
swirls fogs
on sleepless
nights
 
I hate the feeling,
but I know no
different
and it’s
the only thing
to comfort me
cause it’s familiar
 
I tried to find answers
in this foggy mind of mine
but I keep getting
confused.
Digging through that fog
only to come up empty handed
 
I feel i’m doing
better
But on occasion
triggers
make the dark hole
I escaped look even
better
 
Whispering,
“Come you’re okay here.”
When really I’ll go backwards
degrees all my progress just
to get upset
that I went back---
Look what i’ve done.
 
One by one,
those red marks hit home
the pain and velvet red drops
comforting to the cut.
It helps
for the time being
acting as a distraction
 
I don’t know what’s
wrong
but something is wrong
and i’m not being
myself
but I don’t know who
that is
but I know for a fact
I hate the old me
I should talk to someone
But when I tried,
I felt rushed and pressured’
Everyone so money hungry,
no one’s worried about my
well being
 
But then again I never thought
of myself as important
Self hate too strong,
the self love i’m trying
to dig from the abyss
where i’m not exactly
Sure where that’s found
I feel numb,
but today’s been a
slow day
And it’s been a while since
I felt like this
 
I progressed,
for I used to feel
like this everyday for
two years straight
 
And nobody ever knew,
even when i was purposefully
seeking attention
 
I don’t know where i want
to be
But I want to just stop
maybe float in the darkness
behind closed eyelids
 
Even when i go home,
My day isn’t over
I want to die occasionally,
and I've learned that to other
people
It’s much more severe
than it is to me
 
I could easily be
forgotten
for my life is just
an afterthought
and I don't really matter
 
I shouldn't say that
but I do
and it is what it is;
I'm working on it.
 
This process is hard,
and I sometimes want to go
back
to revisit the person I hate
cause pain was easier than trying to heal
trying to heal scars
that have subconsciously appeared,
and I have no idea how to do it
 
I'm sorry,
I apologize for how I am,
for how I'm so mentally unstable
it's a problem
I don't know who I'm apologizing to,
Maybe myself
Maybe to everyone else I've burdened
 
I can't even talk to my mother
but it's not her fault
she's trying her best
and my indulging self hate
just gets in the way
 
I don't know who I am,
I don't know how I feel
and i most definitely
don't know how to heal.

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